||[Feb. 24th, 2004|04:15 pm]
well today was an ok day. I had a great weekend and everthing i could ask for happened and i am so happy now. We went to JSB and i had a blast. Have you ever wondered what you looked like dancing like a freak but at the time all you were worried about was havin fun. Well i accidently kept the poker chips. OOPS!! Oh well, my boyfriend asked me out, that sounds wierd, haha. I was so exited. We wet to Dessert Theatre on sunday night andi think that may have ranked way up there with all the great things i did that weekend, everything at that palce was great. To bad it rained. I just am in a mood. I think its the weather, but i get worried. Have you ever worried that if you give someone you really care about all of you that they will take it and get sick of you after a while. I guess i feel like i will become boring and they will not want me anymore. I want it to last is i guess what i am saying. So i can't complain because right now it is great. I love my friends but shit they are always pressuring me to do shit and not do what i want to do or be ashamed of what i am doing. I want to happy and not care about what they think of my relationships but that will never happen. I just want to tell them that i am happy and to not fuck things over for me but i am to insecure. I need to feel loved and liked. I hate saying that and as much as i try to deny it, i know deep down its true. I get self concious about myself and worry about what others think of me. I know that may sound inmature,but hey i am not going to deny it. This all probably stems down to me not feeling confident about myself and not loving who i am, i guess you can say that i want to become better but that wording may be wrong. Sometimes i really have to wonder what in the hell some guys see in me, the looks arn't there. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?? i wonder, i mean come on i am not top notch, why not someone else? Am i just that girl who was nice one day and looks like the type of girl that they could get? not great but attainable? I just wonder these things some times. I had a dream that one of my best friends died last night and i could not stop crying, i wanted to jump out of bed at three in the morning and tell her how much she ment to me, so that it was never left unsaid. Have you ever thought about that and what you would do? Its a scary thought isn't it. Some one asked me why i had these random sperts of Journalism and didn't space them all out or whatever and now that i think about it- its because i only write when i feel like it, i get these urges to write and thats when all these feelins start comming out. All at once i always have so much crap on my mind, i guess thats why i space out so many times during the day, i go from one thought to another so randomly. I just keep typing and don't pay attention to what i am actually writing. That is probably why i would make a terrible writer, i only like to write when i have the urge, i hate being pressred. I wonder sometimes how you show someone that you really care for them without seeming to fast or to strait forward. I wonder if my friends and boyfriend know how much they mean to me and if i ever even show that. I want to be able to have that out of body expierence, you know where you are watching yourself talking and doing whatever and can see what you really look like. I wonder if i had that and was watching my self as an outsider if i would like my self, you know like how i judge peple when i first meet them, i wonder what i look like to others, what do they see about me? I know that may sound wierd, but i think it would be kool. And don't tell me that you never have these wierd feelings. I don't know i feel like i want to go on and on about how i want to escape, but i have already done that and no one cares because everone wants the same things. I guess right now i am just happy that Spring Break is coming up.